Why, suicide Lord?……….a series of poems of hope through the dark maze of suicide. Written by one who has both lost and struggled himself
Sunday, January 23rd, 2005This book of poems is the result so far of my own struggles through wanting to and attempting to kill myself as well as my feelings for those young men who I knew who died from this condition.
It is not meant to be focusing on the negative but rather facing reality that many {including myself} face at some point in their life wanting to die.
This book is dedicated to several people who have helped me as I struggle through these desires.
My family especially my two very patient and loving parents and all the people who have counseled me over the years. In particular Roger, Dean ,Mark, Trevor Waters and who could forget you Billie and Joe and Jill Westlake. Plus others unnamed. I love and appreciate all of you.
Also all the various police officers, railway guards, ambulance and hospital staff, doctors, nurses etc. You have very rough and rewarding work. I don’t know what to say to you but thanks guys.
Also Rob ,Peter, and Chuck. I pray you find peace. For those who don’t know I was in scouts with Rob, Peter is a distant cousin and I went to school with Chuck.
Christ have mercy, Christ have peace, Lord have mercy.
I have struggled myself for many years to overcome suicidal tendencies. It is an ongoing battle but one I hope to win. This book is a collection of poems describing my feelings and thoughts as
I battle along. It’s not a journey I would wish on anyone but my earnest prayer is that it will give insight to those who have never walked down this tunnel and hope to those who have or are going down this road and for those left behind.
May you find peace, comfort and hope for yourselves and others as you read this book.
Weeping may go on all night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30.5
The train nearly hit me today
I nearly died
I came oh so close to death
I ran towards it
But I got out of the way
Just, just in time
It clipped my sleeve
Yes I nearly died
God, you must want me alive, alive for some reason but me, me, I just don’t know why, not yet anyway.
I cried, I cried and I wept.
Too many tears, when will they end
I weep now but I know, Oh I know somewhere joy comes in the morning
For my parents…..
Mum and Dad, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m truly sorry
I’m scared , I’m scared and I’m so sorry
I love you both and you both love me, but we nearly parted company that night
But we didn’t and I’m alive
It wasn’t once, not two or three but many times came oh so close, even times you aren’t aware of
I AM SO, SO SORRY
I love you and I know you love me
I do try, but it is hard.
Thanks Mum, sorry Mum and thanks Dad, sorry Dad…….Thanks for transporting me all those times to and from hospitals, I love and do appreciate all of that even though I have hurt you so….
Rob
I wish I had been there for you, but then again my own life was in a mess too.
Two young men, faking our joys, hiding our pain behind facades,
you behind “being tough” and me, well me just faking everything.
I didn’t know at the time with any of you what would come but now I wish I had, but would I, could I probably not have changed the course of events as we all had our own struggles
Sorry, if that is the word………
Christ have mercy
……………………..
Peter
I think everyone knew something was wrong
even I, in the short time together on holidays
You seemed so different, so, so, well I don’t know the words
I long to look deep into your soul, your thoughts, your pain…..
I long to comfort your mother, to wrap my arms around her in comfort
The same with your sister who found you
And your Dad, what could I do for that big burly man,I don’t know
The rest of us left behind, all of us, your girlfriend and band members who I never met
My constant prayers go out to you………….
Chuck
Chuck, I remember so little yet so much of you
I laugh with joyful memories as I remember that day all so long ago as you tried to catch one of your dearly beloved pigeons at school with a box, some seeds, a string and a stick to lever it all.
I will never forget that day, the other kids laughed but our teacher,{Mrs. Walton} was so kind , so firm and indignant that you be left alone to catch your pigeon.
You knew their breeds and had names for them
What went wrong my young school yard friend
I never saw you again, but went to your funeral
May there be many pigeons now for you in heaven
Christ have mercy, Lord give peace, Jesus have mercy on these three lonely souls.
To Jonathon
I thought I had seen a hallucination because they are always bad
I had enough, I had run out of fight
People say “Keep fighting”
but I keep saying “I’ve run out of fight”
So often I feel like a broken down fence
Yet there on that night I saw an angel
And as I wept many, many, deep tears for a long time after…well you know what happened
You stood there with a huge, huge hand rested between my shoulder blades saying
“Don’t worry David you don’t have to die, I’m your angel Jonathan and have other angels here.”
I vaguely saw three others but there was no mistaking Jonathan….he was real
Thanks Jonathan and all the numerous others I have seen at times diverting my path diverting traffic and the like
Oh, Oh now, yes now I believe in angels
……………………………
Mark, Dean and Roger my earthly helpers
Mark, you let me cry, you didn’t stop me, you helped me see “things in perspective”
Thanks, you know the rest
………………
Dean, where do I start, what do I say, how do I express my thanks and gratitude
You listen, you just let me talk. My Christian friend, my paid career and a fellow believer
But you and Mark and of course Roger aren’t in it for the money
You care, you care about me, and I want to thank you all
Thank you three men, God bless you three wise godly men
………………………..
Roger
Roger where do I start, start to thank you
You are as the other two are also, the most precious men in my life at this time and once I get through I’m sure I will never forget you three.
Heaven has a special place for men like you and me.
I look forward to sitting around the great feast of heaven with you three, AND many others too.
These have been but a few short poems of my sad times mixed in with some love and also some stories of hope.
A lot could be written but little has been said.
Personally it never seems to end and there are two main issues in my life bringing me back again and again this point and those who need to know do know.
Yes I have seen angels at times but none as vivid as Jonathan who I have only seen once.
Many times though I have seen and felt large hands stopping me in various ways from killing myself.
Then there have been the obvious hands and beings helping me…….human hands and human beings. Mostly men and a few women who share this book being dedicated to them with others.
I’m particularly thinking of emergency service workers railway guards and the like. Thanks guys.
I haven’t mentioned you much Joe and Jill Westlake but your prayers, preaching and practical ways of helping me, both of you with open arms of love in listening, Jill’s cooking and the talking as you did that Jill, for welcoming me into your home………What can I say but I really truly do love you both so very much. May the peace of Christ continue to rest on you, your family and homes. I’m sure it will.
Sometimes, quite often in fact I wonder why I’m still alive, but as people say God must have a reason for me to live.God knows best, God knows best, Jesus loves me. As the song is sung:
“Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong…….oh yes I am weak but he IS strong.
The whole purpose of this book is to touch others lives offering insight for those have never been there or don’t understand people like me.
Also to help others who have or are traveling this road, either themselves and for or with a loved one.
May you find peace, strength and hope. God bless you all.
David LONGWORTH January 2004
This book was originally written in January 2004 about the time of my 35th birthday, when I was reflectling over my life. For further poems by David, see “Hope in a dark place”.