This first apeared in the August 2002 newsletter and was the testimony then, of Mrs Margaret Pye at that time. It was first read out in church then published in print form in The Encourager.
There is a hymn that goes “To God be the glory, Great things he has done” and for me this is a very appropriate song, because of the ordeal I’ve recently been through and I thank God for his unconditional love, his faithfulness and mercy. He has said that he will never leave us or forsake us and even when we don’t feel that he is with us, the fact remains that he is.
After coping with severe daily headaches, digestive problems and food allergies ( I have a love-hate relationship with food), for many years, I went slowly downhill and by October the doctor recommended that I be admitted to a – wait for it – a psychiatric ward. Shock and horror was my reaction. What would people think? I’d been a Christian for so many years, surely my faith would see me though. But as Ron, my husband, Frank my Pastor and my doctor explained to me, that, just as someone can have a broken leg, that is visible, so you can be sick where there is no visible proof. So, it is not a lack of faith or willpower, but a lack of chemicals, or a hormone imbalance.
I hope that my “going public”, so to speak, will help change people’s attitudes about those of us who “breakdown” or fall into ”deep depression”. It happens to people in all walks of life and even Paul and some of the great prophets in the old testament, fell into depression.
Believe me it is a ghastly experience where you are down a big black pit with no hope of getting out, just utter despair. When you do see a little bit of light, you find that it is Mt Everest and it is absolutely unsurmountable. But God answered your prayers and others, which I deeply appreciate. It is very humbling, having people praying for you. When I was getting better, I told the nurses that my bed was special, as it had a ring of prayer around it and guardian angels above it.
As well as all the prayers of my family and friends, He used many people to bring about my recovery. The nurses, who were lovely and encouraging. He used medication and when I was finally able to read, parts of books that were given to me by the nurses, were helpful. One time it was hard advice from a friend, over the phone and I would think; “Well, I could have done without that, just now”. But I needed to hear it. I needed, with the Lord’s help to change. (Hadn’t I been asking him to change me, to become more like him.) Change the negative belief patterns and self – criticism etc that had been building up in my mind since childhood. They had to go. I thought that I had done this and taken it to the foot of the Cross to Jesus, & left it there, but probably because of poor health, it had reared it’s head again and I felt pretty useless, helpless and hopeless.
Other things that helped in my recovery were cards, flowers and other expressions of love verbal and otherwise. I think the psychiatrist must have helped, but I’m not sure how, because our little chats seemed to centre around medication, sleep patterns and whether I’d had a successful trip to the toilet. Hospital sure helps you to sort out your priorities. The highlight of the day was when you had a successful trip.
During the first few weeks in hospital, I was so far down that I couldn’t pray, let alone read the Bible. My mind was so depressed, anxious & tortured that I would just mutter frantically ” help Lord, help” or I’d murmur Jesus’ name over and over. At this stage Frank my pastor and Merle Mabury helped me stabilise some of my thinking on spiritual issues & I sincerly thank them & also Praise the Lord for my wonderful husband Ron, (who never let on what sort of hell he was going through) & my daughters Debbie and Janet who continued to love and encourage me.
As the days went by, I had two strong images in my mind. One of Jesus’ strong right hand reaching down and holding my weak & trembling one. The other was also God’s hand & I was in the hollow of his hand & as a dear friend, battling cancer for many years, said to me “What better place is there to be.”
Various scriptures also helped. At first it was David’s psalms, pleading with God to help him & save him. Ps.16 “Save me O God because I have come to you for refuge”, PS 28 “I plead with you to help me Lord, for you are my rock and safety. If you refuse to answer me, I might as well give up and die. Oh listen to my cry”. Gradually I forced myself to read the praise psalms and then Ps 51 “Create in me a clean heart Oh God, filled with good thoughts and desires.” Romans 12: 2 took on a new urgency “I want to be transformed by the renewing of my mind”. I was also re-learning all about patience and perseverance.
Gradually I did get out of that dark pit of despair, even though I thought I never would. I thought that I would become a permanent resident as getting back to normal didn’t seem much of an incentive to getting better. But I made it home for Christmas Dinner without bad consequences for the first time in about 15 years, making sure that I didn’t touch mince pies, chrissy cake, pudding, ice cream or chocolates. Sometimes I even feel hungry after a meal & occaisonally feel comfortable after a meal. The severe headaches still plague me but I’m learning to control them to a degree.
I was “inside”, as we put it, for over 7 weeks & when I was finally discharged, I would answer the phone saying,”Hello it’s Margaret – Praise the Lord I’m home” - I guess some people would think it was a pretty weird way to answer the phone.
I knew I would make it, when one day in hospital I woke & straight away started singing “It’s a lovely day and I thank God for the weather.” When I’d finished that song I continued with “Joy, Joy, there’s joy within my heart”, then I stopped and thought ”Wow”, there’s been a lump of lead in my throat for weeks. I really made my psychiatrists day when I started singing to her. I don’t suppose she has too many patients who sing to her.
So I came home, so happy, feeling that I’d been given a chance & praising the Lord for the whole experience because once again I had proved the Lord’s faithfulness as I was bursting with love and joy for the Lord, his people, my family and friends. I hugged & kissed anybody in sight. Ron thought all his Christmases had come at once. I now know that I am much loved, loveable and loving.
I’ll finish off with a verse from Ps 40:”I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and the mire; he set my feet upon a rock & gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. HALLELUJAH! WHAT A SAVIOUR!